Raido, Ehwaz, Algiz, Jera, Isa, Sowilo

Raido, Ehwaz, Algiz, Jera, Isa, Sowilo

Raido, Ehwaz, Algiz, Jera, Isa, Sowilo

Raido, Ehwaz, Algiz, Jera, Isa, Sowilo

Raido, Ehwaz, Algiz, Jera, Isa, Sowilo

Rezjus

Worn around the neck

My name

A mantra

To whisper

Raido, Ehwaz, Algiz, Jera, Isa, Sowilo

Raido, Ehwaz, Algiz, Jera, Isa, Sowilo

Raido, Ehwaz, Algiz, Jera, Isa, Sowilo

Raido, Ehwaz, Algiz, Jera, Isa, Sowilo

Raido, Ehwaz, Algiz, Jera, Isa, Sowilo

Herkenning

Ik wil lachen
Mag ik lachen?
De wereld vergaat en ik wil lachen

Ik wil huilen
Mag ik huilen?
De wereld bestaat en ik wil huilen

Met zachte ogen
En open hart
Of vleugels om neer te storten

De tijd tikte me voorbij
Te laat en ik besta
Het leven aan mij voorbij

In mijn aders
Verlamming
Ik stond te lang stil

En nu
Nu herken ik niets meer
Vooral niet mezelf

Ender

I think I always knew

Thinking thoughts beyond what a 5 year old should

Never really understood

This world around me

I never felt part of it

Keep going

You are young

A seed is planted

Was it always there

Awaiting fertile soil

It corrupts

Slowly, like a black mist crossing the land

Memorial branches disappear

Dreams, nightmares and reality become interchangable

And in the midst of the confusion

You lash out

Finding yourself seated at a desk

Concerned adult in front of you

‘’Talk’’

If only I knew how

And after a while

They give up

Fast forward

16 years and misplaced

The first gun appears

Temple aimed

Faster than a second

Wicked wicked thoughts

The memory is deconstructed

Filthy, guilty, misery

So invasive

You banish it

Seeking refuge in silence

No acknowledgement

The brain fires bullets

Of daily misconstrued perceptions

Temple aimed

Just a thought

Concerned adult

I am older now

‘’Talk’’

Still don’t know how

Thoughts devour themselves

In cannibalistic fashion

A maelstrom of words

Failing to become sentences

The exterior of my reality

Clashes violently with interior consciousness

You tell yourself

20 years and it will be over

But 20 comes and 20 goes

And you find yourself

Still caught in life’s throes

Slipped into 21

Rope and height

In the company of a gun

No longer just a thought

Progress is answered by regression

And every step forward

Comes with a terrible price

I move forward

And as my personality grows

So does it

Seemingly with intelligent design

A counter for all my tries

I’m on trial

Hollowed out

Feeling forcefully alive

My legs move

But I have no control

I’m in half-light now

Angels and demons

Pushing and pulling

Make for agonizing company

Powerless I feel

Love can be a burden

Guilt

I let down

Hurt

And I am so sorry

Sorry for who I am

Mother, brother

Sister and even you, father

Please forgive me

All you whom I have touched

In my brief life

All you who touched me

Know that I am grateful

I’ve lived to 25

18,20,23….

Ages I’ve wanted to end the pain

And still I find myself

Tightrope walking

The fine line between light and dark

Not sure

If I would mind

To stumble into the dark

Rose of the Wilting Weathered Heart

I'm the composer of
Slow broken verse and dust
Reaching out from inside
Empty hand come to mine

Words and rhyme
Tell-tale signs
Oh bittersweet irony
Fulfil my iron needs

With tight visage
And crimson eye
My trembling hand
Pencil and flies

Slumber wake up
Stupor and cold weather
A shower of seasons
A heart in the gutter

Lines to cross
And at crossroads turn lost
Direction of directed words
Fall dead by the wayside

Composer composes
Of melancholy composed
Raw and dire
Fitful sleep

Decomposed, the prose
Of poetry spoken
Softly morose
Wild, wild rose of the wilting weathered heart

Lifeline

It was so quiet
Then began the most loathsome
And lonesome of worrying nights
Sit back and watch as I fight
To no one, just maddened
By hurricanes on my insides

I've got a knife
To tear open skies 
and bring back the light
Can't have my eyes open
Afraid to turn blind

I was so quiet
Had to remain here
In shadowy sites
Clutching my sorrow
The hunger did rise

I had to hide
From daylight and day life
And daily disguised
Strangers inside me
A door open wide

I kept it quiet
No one beside me
On this faithful night
I kept myself quiet
Hung from the ceiling
Salvation lifeline

Waking Heart

Pushing me, pulling me
Dragging me under
The mountain keeps calling 
And I'm falling further
The ocean's deep swallows me
Current to current
I'm diving through dreams
Skies burn, rolling thunder
Calls from the forest
Sunk below, tallest growth
Shooting its roots out
Weaving and circling 
I'm tangled, unmoving
Drowning and waking
On top of the mountain
From under the ocean
The surface is broken
The head now lies open
Spilled thoughts leaking over
Overflowing broken spirit
Blankets clear oceans
Murk like its owner
Sounding silence like alarms
Disheartened, now all is quiet
For the waking heart
And the way it falls

Never Breathe Again

I've reached out

burnt black

been here before

where sleep rules the deep sea

in dreaming landscapes

where hospital beds

display hearts naked

on respirators

relative for the memory

of a relative

with a dying disease

sinking back, back into depths

to another place

Among the seaweed

and the coral reefs

in a cove filled with sunken dreams

you stand as if you've never left

side by side, hand in hand,

witness to the swimming sad

as it boils up

and breaks the surface

bursts a bubble and then disperses

And the dream returns

and wakes for reality

the burst bubble popped

left a mark indelibly

exposed and weathered

under the scathing daylight sun

you're gone again forever

and I'm waiting for the day to come

where in dreams

perpetual and everlasting

I can dive in the ocean

never coming up

to breathe again an air without you