Raido, Ehwaz, Algiz, Jera, Isa, Sowilo

Raido, Ehwaz, Algiz, Jera, Isa, Sowilo

Raido, Ehwaz, Algiz, Jera, Isa, Sowilo

Raido, Ehwaz, Algiz, Jera, Isa, Sowilo

Raido, Ehwaz, Algiz, Jera, Isa, Sowilo

Rezjus

Worn around the neck

My name

A mantra

To whisper

Raido, Ehwaz, Algiz, Jera, Isa, Sowilo

Raido, Ehwaz, Algiz, Jera, Isa, Sowilo

Raido, Ehwaz, Algiz, Jera, Isa, Sowilo

Raido, Ehwaz, Algiz, Jera, Isa, Sowilo

Raido, Ehwaz, Algiz, Jera, Isa, Sowilo

Herkenning

Ik wil lachen
Mag ik lachen?
De wereld vergaat en ik wil lachen

Ik wil huilen
Mag ik huilen?
De wereld bestaat en ik wil huilen

Met zachte ogen
En open hart
Of vleugels om neer te storten

De tijd tikte me voorbij
Te laat en ik besta
Het leven aan mij voorbij

In mijn aders
Verlamming
Ik stond te lang stil

En nu
Nu herken ik niets meer
Vooral niet mezelf

Ender

I think I always knew

Thinking thoughts beyond what a 5 year old should

Never really understood

This world around me

I never felt part of it

Keep going

You are young

A seed is planted

Was it always there

Awaiting fertile soil

It corrupts

Slowly, like a black mist crossing the land

Memorial branches disappear

Dreams, nightmares and reality become interchangable

And in the midst of the confusion

You lash out

Finding yourself seated at a desk

Concerned adult in front of you

‘’Talk’’

If only I knew how

And after a while

They give up

Fast forward

16 years and misplaced

The first gun appears

Temple aimed

Faster than a second

Wicked wicked thoughts

The memory is deconstructed

Filthy, guilty, misery

So invasive

You banish it

Seeking refuge in silence

No acknowledgement

The brain fires bullets

Of daily misconstrued perceptions

Temple aimed

Just a thought

Concerned adult

I am older now

‘’Talk’’

Still don’t know how

Thoughts devour themselves

In cannibalistic fashion

A maelstrom of words

Failing to become sentences

The exterior of my reality

Clashes violently with interior consciousness

You tell yourself

20 years and it will be over

But 20 comes and 20 goes

And you find yourself

Still caught in life’s throes

Slipped into 21

Rope and height

In the company of a gun

No longer just a thought

Progress is answered by regression

And every step forward

Comes with a terrible price

I move forward

And as my personality grows

So does it

Seemingly with intelligent design

A counter for all my tries

I’m on trial

Hollowed out

Feeling forcefully alive

My legs move

But I have no control

I’m in half-light now

Angels and demons

Pushing and pulling

Make for agonizing company

Powerless I feel

Love can be a burden

Guilt

I let down

Hurt

And I am so sorry

Sorry for who I am

Mother, brother

Sister and even you, father

Please forgive me

All you whom I have touched

In my brief life

All you who touched me

Know that I am grateful

I’ve lived to 25

18,20,23….

Ages I’ve wanted to end the pain

And still I find myself

Tightrope walking

The fine line between light and dark

Not sure

If I would mind

To stumble into the dark

Rose of the Wilting Weathered Heart

I'm the composer of
Slow broken verse and dust
Reaching out from inside
Empty hand come to mine

Words and rhyme
Tell-tale signs
Oh bittersweet irony
Fulfil my iron needs

With tight visage
And crimson eye
My trembling hand
Pencil and flies

Slumber wake up
Stupor and cold weather
A shower of seasons
A heart in the gutter

Lines to cross
And at crossroads turn lost
Direction of directed words
Fall dead by the wayside

Composer composes
Of melancholy composed
Raw and dire
Fitful sleep

Decomposed, the prose
Of poetry spoken
Softly morose
Wild, wild rose of the wilting weathered heart

Lifeline

It was so quiet
Then began the most loathsome
And lonesome of worrying nights
Sit back and watch as I fight
To no one, just maddened
By hurricanes on my insides

I've got a knife
To tear open skies 
and bring back the light
Can't have my eyes open
Afraid to turn blind

I was so quiet
Had to remain here
In shadowy sites
Clutching my sorrow
The hunger did rise

I had to hide
From daylight and day life
And daily disguised
Strangers inside me
A door open wide

I kept it quiet
No one beside me
On this faithful night
I kept myself quiet
Hung from the ceiling
Salvation lifeline

Waking Heart

Pushing me, pulling me
Dragging me under
The mountain keeps calling 
And I'm falling further
The ocean's deep swallows me
Current to current
I'm diving through dreams
Skies burn, rolling thunder
Calls from the forest
Sunk below, tallest growth
Shooting its roots out
Weaving and circling 
I'm tangled, unmoving
Drowning and waking
On top of the mountain
From under the ocean
The surface is broken
The head now lies open
Spilled thoughts leaking over
Overflowing broken spirit
Blankets clear oceans
Murk like its owner
Sounding silence like alarms
Disheartened, now all is quiet
For the waking heart
And the way it falls

Never Breathe Again

I've reached out

burnt black

been here before

where sleep rules the deep sea

in dreaming landscapes

where hospital beds

display hearts naked

on respirators

relative for the memory

of a relative

with a dying disease

sinking back, back into depths

to another place

Among the seaweed

and the coral reefs

in a cove filled with sunken dreams

you stand as if you've never left

side by side, hand in hand,

witness to the swimming sad

as it boils up

and breaks the surface

bursts a bubble and then disperses

And the dream returns

and wakes for reality

the burst bubble popped

left a mark indelibly

exposed and weathered

under the scathing daylight sun

you're gone again forever

and I'm waiting for the day to come

where in dreams

perpetual and everlasting

I can dive in the ocean

never coming up

to breathe again an air without you

Where The Lines Blur

I'm not what I used to be

what happened, where did I go wrong

to me honestly, it's a mystery

or thought I evade

as I escape from my fate

bury my head and contemplate

think of ways to escape

as the thought of madness

clamps itself around my brain

forcing me to ask questions

until I think I'm insane

Burning in the wake

of mistakes, choices I made

as it comes back with distaste

and I'm again misplaced

Outside of elsewhere

they say I'm out there

but I'm in here

inside this sphere

that I call my mind

it's a prison of fear

And I'm left behind

from beyond where the lines blur

I saw it all come together

and it made my eyes burn

with a sickening fever

as the eternal night turns

What went wrong

was it the past I can't remember

it has been so long

was it the booze addled father

with his malevolent tongue

or just a faulty wired head

in need of a gun

so I can blow this face to pieces

and start back where I begun

This time open eyed

so I can prevent my demise

of the mind, unkind,

stuck in inverted paradise

where the angels are demons

in angelic disguise

This time I’ll take the bullies

shoot them all in the head

this time I'll take the booze

and make him drink 'till he's dead

this time I'll take the kids

and have them molest you instead

this time I'll go back in time

and prevent the day that you wed

and so prevent the sickness

that's been filling me with dread

I'll take the bad times

and replace them with good

erase the bad lines

and rewrite them in blood

Omission

They say death is another part of life
But I find it everyday next to me
in a chamber in my head
asking me what today shall be
is it life or is it death
as I ignore its tries
to take over my mind
blurring my vision
with words slurring
as I fall into submission
I envision my end and close it off
by omission
Take a step back
And watch it control my inhibition
Perpetually stuck in hesitation
So caught between choices
There's no room for aspiration
No development or growth
Just straight up
Asphyxiation
Wrapped around my throat
Subtle suffocation
Without any indication
Of a temporary nature
Because four years to me
Feels pretty permanent
Add to that four
Forgotten more
And I hope you understand
When I talk about an end
That I am not joking here my friend
But honesty is what's expected
Something I feel has been neglected
Or perhaps just undetected
Gotten lost by the distracted
Blinded eyes of those connected
As I have always kept them
Out of reach of what's inside
With lies like: 'its nothing really,
I'm really fine'
Until no longer I could defy
The demons lurking in my mind
Corrupting everything I tried
Until finally
My brain got fried
And I ended up
In a mental institution
To recover from the sickness
That shook my constitution
Just a baby step
in the right direction
So that one day I might be
Smiling at my own reflection
Knowing its just me inside
And not death
Blocking out the life.

Written

Gathered swiftly
Swept up pages
Blown upwards
To the skies
Dripping ink 
And hidden meaning
Of what lies between lines
Written in the empty spaces
Where trembling and unsure
The hand through the head
Spills heart and memory
In search of meaning
Or fulfilment

In places
Where the lines blur
Undeterred
Moving forward
From the hidden depths
Where the soul resides
And the words dance
As you seek them out
Slithering between tongue and teeth
Fickle in their many ways
Until with pen and paper
Captured in single file
They convey

And another piece 
Becomes a part
Of the infinite puzzle
A personal encryption
For others to see
Safely hidden in abstractions
Only as clear as you want it to be
A smothered cry
An encoded s.o.s
Or just raw emotion
Spilling out into the world
Joining in the chorus
Of its many haunted hearts

The Tunnel

I lay paralysed

in this paradise

with open eyes

and burning skies

shouting lies

to systematize

words spoken

to a mind demised

caught inside

the light divides

a running line

to the end of time

to where the sign

gives cue to mine

and I step forth

and then I die

Hate

I've set aside this cage

and now I walk around it

inside its my heart

chained and grounded

with nails driven

puncture wounded

to the concrete

cracks abounding

splitting open ground

and up comes without a sound

the murmurs of a broken soul

like smoke rises from burning coal

leaving you breathless, shivering cold

brought back from the dead

with the hearts you stole

incensing words

with furious fervour

to reach inside

at the demons I murdered

for every head I take

two more pop up

like a hydra snake

and so my axe

it keeps on swinging

lopping of faces

that keep on grinning

as I am spinning

tilting over

like the earth on its axis

every nerve in me telling me

I need some more practise

as I am overtaken

multi-headed snake bites

leave me visibly shaken

their talons around my ankle

it is me that they rake in

like fallen leaves on autumn days

in the garden of my fate

as I'm thinking to myself

why do I hesitate

take that leap of faith

and leave behind

this world I hate

Show Me How

Who can show me how to live

'Cause I don't want to anymore

But I'm afraid to give what I have left

My life lived to pass on this

Who will take my hand

Who will show me how

Tell me it doesn't have to end

And that it will get better

When I've laid to rest

My haunted head

Clear the fog

And the resounding storms

That drive me under

And keep me there

So full, so full

I can't think straight

And my feelings are imposters

Playing games of hide and seek

And days like these they tire me

Leaving me counting the minutes

Until hours have passed

Loathsome and painstaking

In my face like mirrors

Reflecting what I don't want to see

Time, unrelenting

washing over me.

Somewhere, 21st Century

The cobblestones were wet with blood

traipsing out and among them

slipping feet tumble over

finding no comfort

rounded out and up again

To carry on limping

pursuing paths

perhaps those easier to trot

or get lost in the trying

murky river floats along

And windows broken from their sills

doors flapping open shut

the wind shrieks its haunted cry

through holes in walls

and deserted dinner tables

Hidden in cracks

and the unkempt hair

of the lost lambs

with their handkerchiefs

dangling beside their hollow bones

An abandoned current

slithers and makes flickers

adding to the buzzing choral hum

playing games with shadows

among the dried out filtered light

Among the clutter and the

rashly left behind memories

lie forgotten in stillness

on broken armchairs

and faded rugs

Lives left in the wake

of reckless disregard

that able-bodied men

with death bringing machines

brought about without a soul

Ordered from beyond the lines

as truth dissolved and made way

for something they thought

worth fighting for

ending up

Only devouring their own

Stiltewateren

Het is rustig hier

kalmte in een blauwe lucht

gevonden in een verdwaalde wolk.

Klein en zacht

een kloppend hart.

Hoog, hoger dan ooit

een toren in de koude zee.

In de verte drijft een boot

met niemand om te roeien

dobbert het voort.

Een klok tikt ergens

zachtjes en ver weg.

En onder in het donkere water

klinkt onhoorbaar

een eenzaam lied.

Gaf ik mijn lichaam

aan de lucht en de zee.

Dan was er enkel de zucht

losgelaten van de werkelijkheid

dwalend in een donkere oceaan.

Second Floor Ghost

There is a ghost who lives on the second floor

she cries all day for the rain in her life

relentless it pours on all that she made

washes out the good to replace it with pain

Outside they know her as no one

the unseen lady from around the block

to whom no one speaks and no one listens

her endeavours are wasted on the silent city walls

Here in this wilderness of anonymous faces

unseen is she who brings with her the rain

unnoticed she wails alone in her apartment

as it comes bouncing back to her from cold walls

She echoes with the past as it comes back to haunt her

sitting by the bed being solely forgotten

while in her mind movies play which can't be erased

the past forever etched on her face.

Captive

Is anyone here?

Help. I need help.

It is cold here.

So dark. Endless void.

All is nothing,

and I am a dream.

Please hear me.

I am pleading,

begging,

on my knees,

crawling,

falling.

And now,

I fear it is too late.

So silent here.

The kind that makes your ears bleed.

Because all you hear

is the sound

of your unfulfilled

empty beating heart.

Painfully mocking me

by beating on endlessly.

Pumping false hopes

through hopeless veins.

And it hurts and burns,

how it keeps me alive.

My body my prison,

held captive by mind.

Rain

I kissed the rain today

She kissed me back

with a gentle downpour

on my eyes

my lips

my ears

my neck

she kissed my soul

and my soul kissed back

I love her for all she does

the way she falls

and gives life to all

and how she affects me

in my moods

crying for me

as I cannot cry

she lets out

what I would hide

The ticking of her

against my window

the way I see myself

in her reflections

and how she makes the world

so infinitely more real

and beneath her caress

all we can do

is feel

Please

I've felt you

before I saw you

and knew you

when I met you

So close towards me

far and away

and then you are away again

The night time it sways me

envelops and betrays

what I find in the waking

between spaces I'm taking

and every breath's an effort

a wilful endeavour

to keep me from freezing

to keep me from bleeding

I find you in shadows

and down by the water

close to my windows

reflected and broken

so softly misspoken

I did not expect it

what came back reflected

In eyes so endearing

your voice I keep hearing

I'm missing the feeling

that I had you near me

so close to my heart

you could sense it beating

I miss you so dearly

But please,

don't come near me

Demon Dream

The land opened up before me

I saw it all

erupting outwards

a holy dream

The skies went black

ash and fire

I saw it all

in a recurring dream

They were out

angels with wings

covered in tar

helplessly reaching out

I saw it all

when the ground opened up

and swallowed us whole

and it was never enough

Standing at the edge

me with my demons

reassuringly behind me

grinning their false sly smiles

I asked to wake up

and they said

not yet dear boy

witness, bear witness

Your frailty lies here

hold it in your arms

cradle it like an infant

then cast it off

You won't win this fight

it is you you are up against

let go of you

and we will too