Ender

I think I always knew

Thinking thoughts beyond what a 5 year old should

Never really understood

This world around me

I never felt part of it

Keep going

You are young

A seed is planted

Was it always there

Awaiting fertile soil

It corrupts

Slowly, like a black mist crossing the land

Memorial branches disappear

Dreams, nightmares and reality become interchangable

And in the midst of the confusion

You lash out

Finding yourself seated at a desk

Concerned adult in front of you

‘’Talk’’

If only I knew how

And after a while

They give up

Fast forward

16 years and misplaced

The first gun appears

Temple aimed

Faster than a second

Wicked wicked thoughts

The memory is deconstructed

Filthy, guilty, misery

So invasive

You banish it

Seeking refuge in silence

No acknowledgement

The brain fires bullets

Of daily misconstrued perceptions

Temple aimed

Just a thought

Concerned adult

I am older now

‘’Talk’’

Still don’t know how

Thoughts devour themselves

In cannibalistic fashion

A maelstrom of words

Failing to become sentences

The exterior of my reality

Clashes violently with interior consciousness

You tell yourself

20 years and it will be over

But 20 comes and 20 goes

And you find yourself

Still caught in life’s throes

Slipped into 21

Rope and height

In the company of a gun

No longer just a thought

Progress is answered by regression

And every step forward

Comes with a terrible price

I move forward

And as my personality grows

So does it

Seemingly with intelligent design

A counter for all my tries

I’m on trial

Hollowed out

Feeling forcefully alive

My legs move

But I have no control

I’m in half-light now

Angels and demons

Pushing and pulling

Make for agonizing company

Powerless I feel

Love can be a burden

Guilt

I let down

Hurt

And I am so sorry

Sorry for who I am

Mother, brother

Sister and even you, father

Please forgive me

All you whom I have touched

In my brief life

All you who touched me

Know that I am grateful

I’ve lived to 25

18,20,23….

Ages I’ve wanted to end the pain

And still I find myself

Tightrope walking

The fine line between light and dark

Not sure

If I would mind

To stumble into the dark